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This is a Humour article. All will not be forgiven. |
Cutting off one of these on the freeway will be the last thing you ever do; I mean it.
This Article is under construction; we apologize for the inconvenience.
"I'd like to see those sons of #%&@es try to cut me off NOW!!!"
-Test Driver Collin Fredericks commenting on his run-ins with a local biker gang; the "Blunder-Bus" promptly solved THAT problem, if not anything else...
The M-0V3R-9000 was yet another scatter-brained scheme by the top brass in the Osean Army to gain the upper hand over their rivals in the Union of Yuketobanian Republics. Nicknamed "Blunder-Bus" after a shotgun-like weapon dating to the eighteenth century, albeit it was more because of the belief amongst the enlisted men of the Osean Army, not to mention the Navy, that the brass had finally lost their marbles by wasting their cash on the most ludicrous project yet. The fact that it is refered to as a Fighting Armored Recreational Transport, or FART (the name also refers to the noxious exhaust fumes produced by its overpowered 500 hp engine). The prototype was completed and evaluated on Friday, April 13th, 1959.
Development[]
In the 1950s, both Osea and Yuketobania were twiddling their thumbs as they thought of ways to outspend each other pointlessly on multiple weapons programs that never amounted to much of anything, such as the XP-96 Sparrow-Hawk "Tactical Interceptor". General Irwin D'iot, while screwing his secretary one night in his office, came up with his most pointless, most expensive idea to date. He put in an order for "a Fighting Armored Recreational Vehicle" to be used as a heavily armed, high speed armored personel carrier and tank destroyer; what he got was far beyond his expectations.
Unfortuneately for D'iot, nobody in Osea wanted to be associated with the Osean military after the debacle with the XP-96 in 1947, so they searched in other places. Eventually, they came across a half-drunk college student wearing nothing but heart-patterned boxers named George Daniels, and offered him 50,000,000 zollars to build a "F.A.R.T". He responded, "I have no idea what the Hell you just said, but I'll take your offer!"
With that said, he gathered up the other guys in his fraternity, including his "wingman", Collin Fredericks and set to work. However, as they were on a budget, they couldn't afford to buy an RV, so instead they "borrowed" a brand new Grayhound Bus for their project along with several illegal weapons from Collin's Uncle Louie. By the time their spring break was over, the M-0V3R-9000 was completed, with Fredericks chosen as the test driver, as he was the most sober of all of them (but not by much).
The "Blunder-Bus"[]
When the F.A.R.T arrived at an Osean military base just outside of Oured, the drastically over-gunned bus turned more than a few heads. It's appearance alone was frightening...frighteningly hilarious that is...and made even more so when a more than a little drunk George Daniels claimed that the vehicle could outrace General D'iot's Firebird on the freeway. Being a competitive man himself, D'iot accepted the challenge.
The Blunder-Bus was indeed a bit faster than D'iot's Firebird, but only a little bit; the increase in speed was probably because everyone was pulling over into D'iot's lane to avoid getting in front of the giant monstrosity rumbling down the freeway at nearly 130 MILES PER HOUR...that is, everyone except for a biker gang that had apparently trashed the Fraternity's party bus the previous week. Hellbent on revenge, Fredericks ordered his "comrades" to "man your f***ing battle stations!!!"; Daniels, while listening to the theme song from "Smokey and the Bandit", fired the 75mm gun several times and blasted each of the bikers into oblivion, much to the mixed feelings of awe and dismay of both military officials and onlooking civilians. Lawsuits by the bikers' families and threats from the mafia cost the Osean Army 200,000,000 zollars in damages, leading to the M-0V3R-9000 earning the disparaging nickname "Blunder-Bus". The General, his reputation in tatters, committed suicide, and the project was scrapped, the sole prototype being sold at a pawn shop for 1,000,000 zollars to a private collector who later sold it to a mercenary group as a mobile HQ.
The Legend is Born[]
Years later, a half-drunken ex-Emmerian fighter pilot of Osean descent named Daniel "Danger" Matthews purchased the M-0V3R-9000 from the collector for what was supposedly 10,000,000 zollars, although only 5 zollars were real, the rest being high-quality counterfeits. Originally he just liked having a vehicle that would give him bragging rights, but when he heard a Belkan friend of his, Frederick "Cobra" Becker had been put in a military prison, he decided to put it to the test.
The night Becker was thrown in the big house, Matthews stormed the gate in the Blunder-Bus at full speed with the six forward .50-cals blazing and busted down the wall. Cobra scrambled into the bus and climbed into the 75 mm turret, allowing the duo to fight their way out even when confronted by a Belkan tank. The Belkan military and Government were embarrassed at what happened, and the Osean Military shocked that Diot's craziest weapon was also an amazing success! As for the two delinquints, they would go on to form members of the famous mercenary squad known as Team Emmeria, and they used the Blunder-Bus as a mobile HQ.
Armament and Stats[]
Powerplant: 500 hp V-12 diesel engine of unknown type
Top Speed: 150 mph (wtf!?)
MPG: 16 mpg
Capacity: 1 Driver, 1 Guy riding Shotgun, 5 gunners and 15 troops
Armament:
1 x 75 mm rifled gun
13 x .50-caliber machine guns
4 x Panzerfaust Anti-Tank rockets
2 x ludicrously short-barrelled 125 mm cannons built into the front and rear bumpers; controlled by the driver.
LOL Factor: -pulls into a no-parking zone right in view of a police officer- Gimme a parking ticket, I dare ya'...