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IL-13K Turtle

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During the height of the cold war between Osea and Yuktobania, when both nations were prioritising pissing away trillions of taxpayer dollars on completely f*cking the entire world up, the Yuktobanian Air Force called for a stealthy, long range nuclear bomber. The job fell to the Ilyushin design bureau, and the project began in 1961. However, considering how the design budget had been wasted completely on vodka and hookers, they weren't able to afford to design the engines or research the stealth technology to meet the requirements. This called for a revolutionary (for ALL the wrong reasons) new propulsion method: Instead of using engines, the plane would be moved by having the wings flap like a bird. And since they were too lazy to come up with a way of flapping the wings electrically, a dozen midgets were used to crank a system of levers to achieve this.


When the first prototype was discovered by Osean intelligence (It blew up when taxiing to the runway, don't ask me how, it didn't even have any bombs or fuel on it) the guy who is supposed to come up codenames to new planes suffered a severe loss of brain cells due to being exposed to such toxic levels of retardation and forgot how the alphabet went. When asked what he thought the plane should be called, he only replied; "Derr I liek turtuls." And thus, the IL-13K became known as the Turtle.


Second Variant: Mi-N3 Turtle

For some reason, Yuktobania demanded a helicopter variant be made, because "what's more awesome than a nuclear bomb?  A nuclear bomber that's ALSO a helicopter that's ALSO a nuclear, time-traveling landmine of awesome awesomeness!!! *throws up and passes out from drunkeness*"

To make this happen, the Mil Bureau was contracted to build their own version, despite their engineers protesting that it was aerodynamically impractical beyond all reason or rhyme.  Needless to say, those engineers disappeared when the AGB paid them a visit the following day.

The result of the project was a nuclear landmine that was also a bomber and a helicopter, all in a neat, turtle-shaped package that could be carried by a thousand men in their hands.

During initial testing, somebody accidentally stepped on the Mi-N3 Turtle prototype, to which it responded "Hello!", before exploding and destroying the entire base.  Despite this, and many other similar incidents, the Yuktobanian Politburo were smoking some DAMNED good weed and couldn't be bothered to give a fuck, so it was placed into mass production anyway.

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